The memory suddenly hits me clearly when my mother and I were watching the documentary Shoah together holding hands. Shoah showed the gruesome details of the concentration
camps. My mother asked me to see it together, (she hoped after seeing it, she could live with the memories of the war). A great moment because it brought us closer then we had been for years. I
was about thirty years old. She wanted the confrontation to see for herself what had
happened exactly. Very courages! Unfortunately It did not help: her pain got worse. Now the images hunted her. In my childhood
my father used to cut information about the war out of the newspapers so my mother
would not see it. When Hitler came on TV, he ran to the tv-set to turn it
off.
My mom lost about thirty relatives in the gas chambers of Sobibor. Her father, his sisters and brothers, her grandparents, nieces and nephews. My mother was registered by the Jewish community as full Jewish. She had gotten a letter for deportation and before he was deported himself her father took care that it was put to "right" in the administration. My grandmother was a Christian and half Jewish children were allowed to stay and live for as long the nazi’s would decide what would happen to them. So my grandfather saved my mother just in time.
My mother Greet Dresden, has kept herself standing with the help of books by Vincent Peale. She was a positive thinker. That did her good for a while. She walked at a brisk pace, wore her black hair with a large knot and her chin proudly the air. She read, even though she had only primary school, books of Sartre and Spinoza and mentioned herself a free-thinker. Many people were afraid of her pierced gaze and quick tongue. I also often was afraid of her, she saw through me and hit me on my weakest spots.
On the other hand: we could talk for hours about life and death. She told how she saw the world and hundreds of years from then everyone would be of mixed blood ... all races together because we are all one. "Like me”, she would proudly say: “Jewish and Christian, together." She loved conscious living and often said: "Live conscious, Marja! Enjoy every day and every moment!" She had great moments and I was so proud of her. In those moments she even was able to forgive the Germans.
She often sat on benches in the Sarphati Park in Amsterdam and spoke with all kinds of people. If someone sitting next to her was depressed, which happened often, she said: "You are depressed? Did you lose thirty family members to the gas chambers? I did and if I can be positive, you can too! Go to the market, get a bunch of tulips and put them on the table ... buy a cake and give it to someone who is lonely!” She left people stunned. She sometimes met someone who said.." You helped me out of my depression with your words!"
There were also other moments. The first one was when I was about twelve. I came home from school and everything was dark. My mother was lying on the sofa in the room and I was not allowed inside. It took weeks. Mama had a "breakdown" as she called it. The doctor heard what had happened during the war and asked, "Mrs. Ruijterman, you should have therapy to process all of this!" "Oh no." my mother proudly replied: "No way, I do it myself, I'm very strong and I can overcome this with my thoughts. They are so powerful and I always get everything done so this too!" A little later the light came back in the house as she walked proudly as before into the world and yet something had changed.
She got moments of despair and cried furious and raged. She pulled her hair and hit herself in the face. She called me weak and mentioned everything I had done to ruin her life. As soon as she would hear the footsteps of my father on the stairs she drew a smile and said, "Mar, smile now! Everything is ok!" "Hello Nico, she greeted my father with a big smile: “How was work?" and just like that the panic was gone. It has taught me then that we can turn panic of if necessary. There is something in us, a spectator, who keeps an eye on things and makes a new choice.
It was unbelievable in the beginning for me. My mother? That can’t be true ... this is not happening. I was terrified and the years after it happened more often. The contrast was enormous. If she was like that I totally forgot the pretty strong mother who she really was. When she was back to normal, I totally forgot her panic attacks and we had beautiful conversations.
Later I disliked positive thinking because I saw how my mother used it as a survival strategy. My survival strategy was getting cynical and was able to reply at her anger without being afraid and it made me feel stronger. It led to huge fights and hostile arguments.
Years later I learned the art of the power of thought and the thought number one is: "I'm going to process this" That’s a very constructive idea and it's important to really do it and find a way that fits us. That's a big lesson I learned from my mother.
I was also very good in not wanting to feel anything and saw myself as a victim of the world. Have spent years in therapy to handle everything. It did not work because I always told the story over and over again in all kinds of therapy. Only when I found out years later that we can solve the pain to feel the feeling consciously, I became softer in me. Meditation was fantastic because I could not get away from feelings.
My mom lost about thirty relatives in the gas chambers of Sobibor. Her father, his sisters and brothers, her grandparents, nieces and nephews. My mother was registered by the Jewish community as full Jewish. She had gotten a letter for deportation and before he was deported himself her father took care that it was put to "right" in the administration. My grandmother was a Christian and half Jewish children were allowed to stay and live for as long the nazi’s would decide what would happen to them. So my grandfather saved my mother just in time.
My mother Greet Dresden, has kept herself standing with the help of books by Vincent Peale. She was a positive thinker. That did her good for a while. She walked at a brisk pace, wore her black hair with a large knot and her chin proudly the air. She read, even though she had only primary school, books of Sartre and Spinoza and mentioned herself a free-thinker. Many people were afraid of her pierced gaze and quick tongue. I also often was afraid of her, she saw through me and hit me on my weakest spots.
On the other hand: we could talk for hours about life and death. She told how she saw the world and hundreds of years from then everyone would be of mixed blood ... all races together because we are all one. "Like me”, she would proudly say: “Jewish and Christian, together." She loved conscious living and often said: "Live conscious, Marja! Enjoy every day and every moment!" She had great moments and I was so proud of her. In those moments she even was able to forgive the Germans.
She often sat on benches in the Sarphati Park in Amsterdam and spoke with all kinds of people. If someone sitting next to her was depressed, which happened often, she said: "You are depressed? Did you lose thirty family members to the gas chambers? I did and if I can be positive, you can too! Go to the market, get a bunch of tulips and put them on the table ... buy a cake and give it to someone who is lonely!” She left people stunned. She sometimes met someone who said.." You helped me out of my depression with your words!"
There were also other moments. The first one was when I was about twelve. I came home from school and everything was dark. My mother was lying on the sofa in the room and I was not allowed inside. It took weeks. Mama had a "breakdown" as she called it. The doctor heard what had happened during the war and asked, "Mrs. Ruijterman, you should have therapy to process all of this!" "Oh no." my mother proudly replied: "No way, I do it myself, I'm very strong and I can overcome this with my thoughts. They are so powerful and I always get everything done so this too!" A little later the light came back in the house as she walked proudly as before into the world and yet something had changed.
She got moments of despair and cried furious and raged. She pulled her hair and hit herself in the face. She called me weak and mentioned everything I had done to ruin her life. As soon as she would hear the footsteps of my father on the stairs she drew a smile and said, "Mar, smile now! Everything is ok!" "Hello Nico, she greeted my father with a big smile: “How was work?" and just like that the panic was gone. It has taught me then that we can turn panic of if necessary. There is something in us, a spectator, who keeps an eye on things and makes a new choice.
It was unbelievable in the beginning for me. My mother? That can’t be true ... this is not happening. I was terrified and the years after it happened more often. The contrast was enormous. If she was like that I totally forgot the pretty strong mother who she really was. When she was back to normal, I totally forgot her panic attacks and we had beautiful conversations.
Later I disliked positive thinking because I saw how my mother used it as a survival strategy. My survival strategy was getting cynical and was able to reply at her anger without being afraid and it made me feel stronger. It led to huge fights and hostile arguments.
Years later I learned the art of the power of thought and the thought number one is: "I'm going to process this" That’s a very constructive idea and it's important to really do it and find a way that fits us. That's a big lesson I learned from my mother.
I was also very good in not wanting to feel anything and saw myself as a victim of the world. Have spent years in therapy to handle everything. It did not work because I always told the story over and over again in all kinds of therapy. Only when I found out years later that we can solve the pain to feel the feeling consciously, I became softer in me. Meditation was fantastic because I could not get away from feelings.
I was so afraid to admit the pain that I found all kinds of ways not to feel. Watching TV, snacking, entertainment, reading. When I was thirtythree I started to meditate and then I could not be more clear. And what turned out ... if the pain comes very close to the core ... the part that I wanted to protect so much because it seemed so fragile: if the pain gets to the heart / soul ... it dissolves. It not only solves that there is free Love and Happiness. Who would have thought that? That deep source in us we want to protect, appears to be our deepest strength. We are souls with so much love and strength we have forgotten. Until we remember again and then everything dissolves. All the sadness, hatred, jealousy, resentment will disappear like snow in the sun.
My mother was older and she repeated everything she said and did not stop talking. She could talk without breathing what made it difficult to listen to her. If I did not made sure my breath was calm and steady I almost choked. She told the doctor in hospital six weeks before she died: "If you lost thirty familie members to the gas chambers, you would have had a stroke too ...".
Occasionally we had
moments of real contact before she died. She had a heart attack and the
last six weeks she was on a respirator and could not talk. She was furious
that it had to happen to her, while she had done so much good for others and had high
blood pressure. When I told her that we were going to stop the respirator
and she was going to the other side (we had promised each other before she would
send me messenges because she believed in life after death), she was quiet and we
looked a long into each other's eyes. With a grand gesture of her right
hand, she indicated that the respirator could be stopped. We had an intensive
goodbye and I enjoyed the mourning. I've mourned completely and felt every bit of sadness and I felt the love she send me from 'the other site'. Later she would let me know, through a medium, that now she is free and overviews her life. She knows now she'd become a caricature of
herself. She is free now!.
There is alway's liberation possible though some of us that are waiting until after death. We don’t have to wait that long. We can do it now ... if you think it’s
enough, say to yourself: I'm going to sit down and feel what has to be felt. I'm
going to feel, and not avoid the pain. Bring it on ... and let the pain
in your heart, breathe it in and out and feel what happens. If you find it
scary: ask someone you trust to stay with you or ask a good therapist or a good coach. The
pain may take about twenty minutes... then it fades away and sometimes you
have to do it more often.
We can process what happens each day to keep
ourselves clean. Also beautiful events we can process that’s something we tent to forget. Even those we can welcome and feel deeply how it feels to get a
compliment or had a beautiful conversation with someone.
In the depths of who we really are: at a soul level, we really see each other and know we are one. That heals everything.
Nederlandse vertaling: Dat wat we willen beschermen blijkt onze grootste kracht te zijn
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